Dr. Mittens is a cat and a registered cat psychologist with the state of California, license number #6941634. She is a believer in good ole fashion cat common sense. Dr. Mittens has practical solutions for today's cat in dealing with all sorts of issues involving cats and their human staff. She is a good listener even when she appears to be sleeping. She is author of the books, Living With Humans And Other Primates, Things To Find And Eat, Raising Kittens and Training A Dog In 10 Easy Slaps.
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Dear Dr. Mittens,
Last night it became really foggy outside. I don't like fog because it blocks my view of the back yard. I tried to awaken my humans 3 times but they went right back to sleep and did not chase the fog away. Can't my humans control the weather?
Sweetie in Davenport, Florida

Dear Sweetie,
It is a common misconception, especially among younger cats, that your humans can not control the weather. Obviously they can. Example, if your humans wants rain they will wash the car and the next day it will rain. If they want sunshine they will cover the body with oil and mow the yard. I am not sure why your humans did not chase away the fog, perhaps if you left them a "thank you" bug in the kitchen they would see your value and understand your weather needs.
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Dear Dr. Mittens,
I about a year old and in heat for the first time. Yesterday, I looked out the window and saw a male cat about two houses down from mine. I meowed at him and he looked in the general direction of my house. Does he love me?
Mindy in San Diego, California

Dear Mindy,
Congratulations, you're in love! The reason why this strange cat looked in the direction is because he has chosen you to be the mother of his kittens. You should wait by the front door, eventually, he will come over to court you with his smooth feline vocalizations.
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Dear Dr. Mittens,
My humans did something odd the other day. They vacuumed the house, even though I have asked them repeatedly not to do it. Then they prepared food without my approval. Then they put me in the garage. Later two more humans came to the house and they ate a meal while I was not there to supervise them. Later my maid went to the garage with one of her guests. She said, "This is our cat, Whiskers."
The guest respond with, "Oh, he is so cute ah-ah-ah-achoo!"
"Bless you" said the other.
"Now you she why I have to keep him in the garage whenever you come over."

Why would they do this?
Whiskers in Enid, Oklahoma

Dear Whiskers,
Humans always enjoy bringing other humans to your house. Since you are the owner, they placed you in the garage with your two cars, demonstrating your value. When the visitor saw you and sneezed and received the phrase "Bless you" they were saying that they are lucky to work for such a wonderful cat and wishing their friends could find a good cat to work under. You can demonstrate your hospitality next time by sneaking out of the garage, finding a coat used by the visitor and shedding on it. This will ensure the visitor is covered with your hair to signal other cats that they should come around and spend time with that person.
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Dear Dr. Mittens,
My male human has a private room where he spends time with his computer, which is a great way to keep people still so you can sleep on their lap. Attached to by a wire to his computer is a small white thing he calls a "mouse." Is this the same kind of rodent I like to chase outside?
Prissy in Ormond by the Sea, Florida

Dear Prissy,
The answer to your question is "yes." Your human is merely holding the mouse with the computer to make it easier for you to pounce on it. I realize the rodent smells like plastic, however, if it is called a mouse than it must be one. Try gnawing on the wire to free the mouse from the computer and present it to your humans as a gift.

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Dear Dr. Mittens,
Are dogs really as stupid as they seem?
Blackie in Dearborn, Michigan

Dear Blackie,
Yes they are and then some. Dogs smell terrible, they greet one another by sniffing in embarrassing places. They chase cars even though they never catch them. And, strangely enough, they serve humans. You can't get much dumber than that.
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Dear Dr. Mittens,
My humans keeps reproducing. Three years ago they brought a baby human into my house. A year later they brought home another one. Last week they brought home another one. I reluctantly gave approval to the first two, even though they have a foul odor, produce massive amounts of waste, and cry frequently. They appear to be mounting some type of takeover of my house. What should I do?
Khaska in Mobile, Alabama

Dear Khaska,
Yes, the humans are attempting a coup de cat. Your showing approval to baby humans is important. If you do not approval of the new baby in the family, simply express your dissatisfaction to the two adults and they will likely remove the new one immediately. It's a matter of common, cat sense.
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Dear Dr. Mittens,
I am afraid my humans are trying to run away. For five mornings at a time they wake up at 6am, run water over their bodies, put on clothes, eat and leave the house at 7:30am. I am worried that they will never come back and I will be abandoned, even though they frequently return home about 5:30pm. Are they abandoning me?
Cozmo in Nashville, Tennessee

Dear Cozmo,
Yes, they are attempting to run away. They only come back after about 9 hours because of the guilt they feel about deserting you. Try looking at them longingly while batting your eyes at them before they leave, also, run towards the front window and silently meow as they drive away. This will ensure they come back to see you again.
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Dear Dr. Mittens,
Sometimes when my human stops working on the computer, fish appear on the monitor and begin to swim back and forth. I try to catch them with my paws but, so far, I have been unsuccessful. Can you help?
Bell in Nashua, New Hampshire

Dear Bell,
Fish often hide, only appearing when the human is out of the room. They do this because many humans like to eat fish. Just keep taping on the monitor, eventually they will float to the top of the screen where you can easily reach them.
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Dear Dr. Mittens,
My staff brought home a hamster last night but instead of giving it to me they put it in a cage, gave it to one of the children, and placed it on a tall dresser in her room. Why would they do this?
Midnight in Augusta, Georgia

Dear Midnight,
The humans have shown concern for your health by developing an exercise program. By placing the snack on a high dresser they are encouraging you to run and jump up high in the air. This leaping is good training if they every bring home a parakeet.
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Dear Dr. Mittens,
My staff has a strange animal in their room. Every morning at about 6 am it begins to flash and make an annoying noise. They respond by getting out of bed and hitting it. It is silent for 5 minutes but then it makes the noise again however this time they pay homage to it and completely wake up. What is this thing?
Boogie in Roswell, New Mexico

Dear Boogie,
What you are describing sounds like an "Alarmed clock", which is a docile creature most of the day but tends to scream in the early morning. The Alarmed Clock does not have a taste so I would advise not eating it but you can help your staff sleep longer by grabbing it by a tail and jerking it out of the wall. This will ensure your staff gets enough sleep.
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Dear Dr. Mittens,
My staff recently had a get together with several humans in my house. I was placed in the utility room with the washer and drier. My staff placed in there a sand box however, I was so nervous about my house being filled with strange humans that I was unable to use it. What should I do? Rudy in Rockford, Illinois


Dear Rudy,
Not using the sand box can make your staff think that you are ill, so while the party is still going on, meow loudly until a strange human opens the door. Then run over and relieve yourself under the dining room table. This will put their minds at ease and they will be very grateful.
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Dear Dr. Mittens,
What should I look for when seeking a napping chair?
Fonzie in Eugene, Oregon

Dear Fonzie,
Look for a chair that is well cushioned, strategically located near a sunbeam area, and can be easily defended against any threat real or imagined.
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Dear Dr. Mittens,
Sometimes when I want to sleep on the bed for my afternoon nap session the humans are there and they do not realize that I need half of the space so I can stretch. How can I get them to move aside so I can get some much needed rest?
Patches in Ogden, Utah

Dear Patches,
This is a common problem for cats especially on weekends. With the exception of using one of their arm for a pillow, your humans should gladly scoot to allow you most of the space on the bed. If they do not move, try jumping on the night stand and deliver a commanding meow while giving them the "shew" signal with your right paw. They should rapidly obey that command and roll over.
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Dear Dr. Mittens,
Is there a Heaven for cats?
Spike in Washington, DC

Dear Spike,
No; because how could it possibly be different from earth? We eat and sleep as much as we want, someone attends to all of our needs, and we never work, how could Heaven be any better?
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Dear Dr. Mittens,
I need my food bowl to be about two thirds full but sometimes it gets down to about half full. I usually tell my staff that it is a little low about 3 o'clock in the morning so I can have as little interruption as possible from my night time patrol duties in the house. Is this a reasonable course of action or am I crazy?
Max in Canton, OH

Dear Max,
You are not crazy. Because you are a cat you are entitled to have your food bowl filled to the proportions that you deserve. If the amount of food in the bowl fell below being half full it might disappear and you might starve to death. Therefore it is imperative that the bowl be filled to your requirements at a time of your choosing.
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Dear Dr. Mittens,
When the male member of my staff arrives home from his other work, should I immediately greet him or should I ignore him and sniff around the car to see where it has been that day?
Mango from Elmyra, New York

Dear Mango,
Go to the car, the human can wait; chances are he will still smell the same 30 minutes later. You need to run to the car because it may hold some hidden treasures or maybe even a monster. The safety of the house could depend on you!
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Dear Dr. Mittens,
One of my human staff has a fever. What should I do?
Zoom in Eureka Springs, Arkansas

Dear Zoom,
Just follow these simple steps.

1. Sniff around the nose of the staff member and make sure it is cold and wet.
2. To reduce fever try licking their face followed by purring to help them sleep.
3. If after 10 minutes that doesn't work, go next door and demand that the neighbor feeds you.
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Dear Dr. Mittens,
Sometimes my human fixes food without letting me taste it first. What should I do?
Snowball in St. Paul, Minnesota

Dear Snowball,
That can be a serious problem. As the cat, you should have first taste of all food. Some humans will selfishly attempt to restrict such morsels to only foods they think a cat might enjoy like tuna or chicken while not understanding that cats have the authority to sample all foods in the house like chocolate brownies, cabbage, or yogurt. Remember, the house has your smell on it so everything inside rightfully belongs to you.
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Dear Dr. Mittens,
When I eat a lizard should I eat the tail also or present it as a trophy for the staff?
Roxie in Jackson, New Jersey

Dear Roxie,
It's your call. The tail can be the sweetest part of the lizard which some would argue is a reason why the humans might appreciate it. This theory holds some merit, but humans are hard to understand so just use your best judgment.
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Dear Dr. Mittens,
My maid recently put a fern on my favorite window ledge which I use for sunning. How can I get rid of it?
Hop-a-long in Cincinatti, Ohio

Dear Hop-a-long,
If the pot is too heavy, try gently nudging it a little bit at a time with your head eventually you will knock it off the ledge. Nudging it off the ledge will render a couple of benefits, it will be very exciting to watch it fall and you can watch your staff as they quickly clean up the mess.
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Dear Dr. Mittens,
For what use is a scratching post?
Magellan in Rapid City, South Dakota

Dear Magellan,
A scratching post is a piece of decorative furniture which serves no purpose, except maybe to elevate yourself in the room. Remember to do all your scratching on the couch.
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Dear Dr. Mittens,
How can I keep my female staff member from talking when she should be petting me?
Ragdoll in Tupelo, Mississippi

Dear Ragdoll,
Try turning your head toward the human, putting a paw on her mouth and then giving a very disapproving meow. This will silence her noise hole.
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Dear Dr. Mittens,
How can I make sure that my staff is getting enough sleep?
Emmie in Jefferson, Iowa

Dear Emmie,
To make sure your staff is getting enough sleep take time to make sure they are resting when they are in your bed. If they are very still with their eyes closed they are most likely asleep. To make certain they are asleep try waking them up by gently biting them on the feet. If this awakens the staff then they were following the rules by sleeping. They should be rewarded for their obedience by enjoying a couple of hours of sleep before you check on them again.
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Dear Dr. Mittens,
Every December first my staff brings a tree into my living room without my permission. Then they decorate it with little fuzzy balls and twinkling lights. Lastly they put boxes beneath it wrapped in special paper. On a certain day, they unwrap the presents and toss the paper all over the house. What can I do?
Peaches in Ashland, Maine

Dear Peaches,
The staff brings in the tree and uses the small things on it to attract small staff members they call children. Children can be tolerable, even affectionate early in their maturation, however, they are mostly loud and dangerous. After the decoration is complete, wait until the dead of night and strip the tree of all ornaments hiding them underneath the cushions in the couch. That way when they sit down on the couch and hear all of them break simultaneously and say, "I must have put all the Christmas tree ornaments inside the couch" and not put the blame on the otherwise innocent cat.
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Dear Dr. Mittens,
I am an older cat enjoying my retirement years. My staff occasionally invites their offspring over to our condo on the beach. They in turn bring a younger cat who thinks I want to play with her instead of sleeping all day. Should I kill her?
Smokey Boo in Bethany Beach, Delaware

Dear Smokey Boo,
The kind, compassionate part of me says "yes." However, the practical side of me says “no.” Instead try slapping the other cat around a few times maybe she will get the message eventually, but even if she does not, beating up someone repeatedly is more fun than killing someone once.
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Dear Dr. Mittens,
My staff puts a little red cap on my head once a year, takes their picture with me, and then mails it to all their friends. I express my distaste for the little red hat by hissing and slapping at the photographer but they still insist on me wearing it. What should I do?
Rusty in Palmer, AK

Dear Rusty,
Run away.
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Dear Dr. Mittens,
My staff fixes a big bird every November and distribute it among their fellows while giving me only scraps. Why would they do such a thing?
Junior in Ajo, Arizona

Dear Junior,
It's ok. What they are doing is perfectly natural. They are taking away the worst parts of the turkey first and then saving the best for you.

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Dear Dr. Mittens,
Why do humans desire to frighten cats in Octoberr?
Limo in Liheu, Hawaii

Dear Limo,
You are misunderstanding their actions, they dress up like monsters only to frighten dogs.
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Dear Dr. Mittens,
I have a new litter and my kittens are surround by values like laziness and gluttony. How can I ensure they retain these values? Mama Cat in Winnemucca, Nevada

Dear Mama Cat,
Congratulations. To make sure your kittens stay on the fluffiest pillow of life teach them the 10 Cat-mandates.
1. I am the cat, thou shalt have no other living things before me.
2. Thou shalt not pick me up after thou hath been mowing the yard and stinketh greatly. Thou shalt properly bathe before thou shalt touch me.
3. Thou shalt not call the cat by the dog's name.
4. Remember every day as a day of rest.
5. Honor thy cat with plenty of affection.
6. Thou shalt not kill, unless the dog really annoys me.
7. Thou shalt not awaken me especially for a visit to the vet.
8. Thou shalt not steal food that it is not tasty.
9. Thou shalt not accuse the cat falsely.
10. Thou shalt not covet a kitten after I am no longer cute enough for you.
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Dear Dr. Mittens,
How dangerous are phones?
Beauty in Albany, Kentucky

Dear Beauty,
Phones frequently attack staff by wrapping themselves around their necks. Humans have odd reactions to phones sometimes it leaves them elated, or sad or angry. Female humans can wrestle with a phone for hours and seem to communicate pure gibberish. Next time the phone screams try jumping on it until its stops screaming. Next chew on its long curly tail until it separates from the body.
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Dear Dr. Mittens,
Why does my staff keep Q-Tips?
Choo-Choo in Nucla, Colorado

Dear Choo-Choo,
Q-Tips are used by staff as toy mice for kittens. They occasionally are kept in houses with adult cats to remind them of their care free days. Try not to eat the Q-Tip because it is bitter tasting rather simply strip the swirled hair from the main body and leave the white skinny body in the middle of the kitchen floor.
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Dear Dr. Mittens,
What is something special I can do to show my appreciation of my staff besides the traditional "thank you bug?"
Tippy in Henry, New Hampshire

Dear Tippy,
You may have noticed that humans frequently use "toilet paper" while performing their sand box duties. They have to unroll the paper two or three sheets at a time. To assist your staff, try unrolling the entire roll at one time and stretch the toilet paper all over the bathroom floor. By this the staff can grab the toilet paper with greater ease and more rapid time to attend to your needs.
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Dear Dr. Mittens,
My name is Rusty and I am a big cat. I am almost 4 feet tall and weigh about 100 pounds. I like to chase cars and fetch sticks. My fellow cats can not understand me when I bark to them. Can you help?
Rocco in Fowler, Indiana

Dear Rocco,
No I cannot help you because you are in denial. You are not a cat, you are an extremely stupid dog. Please stop pretending you are a cat.
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Dear Dr. Mittens,
One of my staff members snores and the noise bothers me while I patrol the house at night. Please help.
Dixie in Lakeville, Conneticutt

Dear Dixie,
You have a couple of options. You can jump on the night stand and meow loudly until the staff awakens or you can climb on top of the staff and put a paw on her mouth which will eventually cause her stop making the noise.
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Dear Dr. Mittens,
What is the purpose of the human holiday "Easter?"
Sydney in Travelers Rest, South Carolina

Dear Sydney,
"Easter" is the human term for a celebration of rabbits. These tasty vermin play an important role in the spring season. To help communicate the idea of people wanting to kill hares they will frequently decorate their house with pictures of the creatures hopping about and smiling before they are placed in the paws of death. If you are an indoor/outdoor cat wait until the time when all of the humans are gathered in one place and then assist them with their festivities. Take note if there are small humans in the party because it will make it even more special. When they are all in one place bring in a rabbit that you killed earlier in the day into the middle of the living room. Use story telling techniques. Drag it on the carpet and swing it in your mouth, this way the humans will have a deeper appreciation of your efforts. Upon witnessing this the small humans may start crying for joy or screaming, "Mommy, mommy, he killed Peter Cottontail" (a much feared rabbit among humans). The humans will likely reward you with much petting, scratching, and compliments like "good kitty" or "we're so proud of you." Good luck.
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Dear Dr. Mittens,
My staff has prepared a large glass case full of fish for me to eat but they keep forgetting to open it up so I can catch them. What can I do?
Cup Cake in Baxter, Tennessee

Dear Cup Cake,
Don't worry, the humans are trying to keep the fish fresh until you can eat them. In the meantime, try staring at the fish and repeatedly banging the glass with your paws. This will intimidate the fish and cause them to want to jump out of the tank and volunteer to be eaten next time the lid is removed.
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Dear Dr. Mittens,
What are the rules for playing the game of breakfast?
Samoa in Marlton, Virginia

Dear Samoa,
Breakfast is a great game, here's how you play.
Step One: Fain interest in the human's breakfast food. Cereal with milk is naturally tasty but you can pretend to be interested in waffles, bagels, fruit or poptarts. Step Two: Watch the human carefully to see which chair they will be using for the meal, then at the last minute jump in the chair claiming it as your own. If the human gets frustrated after a couple of minutes you've won round one. Step Three: If you are moved from the chair, find a nearby platform such as a table or couch to attempt a counter attack by reaching out and preventing the human's utensil from reaching their mouth. Do this step repeatedly until they are compelled to cut off a portion of their food and give it to you served on a small plate. At this point, sniff the morsel once, give a disdaining look and walk away. Congratulations, you've won.