From 1999 to 2003, I worked at the Walt Disney World Reservations Center in Orlando. These are the dumbest questions I received and the answers I wish I had given during my tenure.

1. Are there bathrooms at Disney World? Answer: No.

2. How far are you from LAX? Answer: It's a pretty good drive.

3. Is the Magic Kingdom good for children? Answer: Whoa, whoa, whoa, you want to bring "children" to a theme park?

4. (call received in January) I'm coming on September 12th, is there going to be a hurricane then? Answer: Yes!

5. I need to cancel my vacation to Disney World. I'm afraid of a shark attack. Response: Well Ma'am, Walt Disney World is 60 miles from the nearest beach. However, there is always a possibility that a Great White could scurry ashore and flap his way back and forth for the next 3 days and find room #2487 at the All Star Sports Resort to specifically eat the Martin children from Elkhart, Indiana.

6. Is Walt Disney World going to be attacked by terrorists? Answer: No Ma'am. I talked to Osama Bin Laden just yesterday and he assured me that everything was just fine.

7. Are the dinosaurs at Disney's Animal Kingdom real? Answer: Of course!

8. How come Disney allows gay people into the park? Answer: And how exactly do we prove someone's sexual preference? (There are so many possible answers.)

9. What is the dress code for your parks? Answer: Suit and tie only.

10. I'm not prejudiced but, on what day do the blacks go to Walt Disney World? Answer: Um, ya know, please come the first full weekend in June. There are a lot of white people around then. You'll feel right at home! (Unless you live in Central Florida you probably won't get that one.)

And then, there is the all time classic. I did not receive this call but I did watch the reaction of the cast member on the line with the guest and joyfully observed her reactions.

June 2000
Guest: My children are 8 and 10. I would like them to take the Dolphins in Depth tour.
Kristin: I'm sorry ma'am, but that experience is reserved for guests 16 years of age or older.
Guest: So they can't take the tour?
Kristin: That's correct.
Guest: Oh, then, do you know anybody who has dolphins in their back yard that my kids could play with?
Kristin rose quickly from her seat. Her eyes were shifting wildly right to left, she was gasping for air.
Kristin: No ma'am. I don't know anyone who has dolphins swimming in their backyard. Click Ahhhhh!