Announcing the nice opening of the Moderates Monument.

It is made of stone because granite is expensive and the money can be better spent on oil changes for the car or dental hygiene.

It is dull gray because the color red might remind people of Satan, black is too dismal, white is too Eurocentric, blue is not happy, green is the color of Spring and therefore insensitive to people in Alaska, yellow might attract bees which could sting visitors, and purple is just too, well, fruity.

It is not very tall so as to permit an unobstructed view of the scenery. It is not too short because you might trip over it, break your hip and die which means you would potentially miss Social Security checks.

The cost: $19,000,000.00, slightly under-budget.

The final design was agreed upon after a 12 year process by a committee made of representatives including:

Pete Whatnot, League for Small Mammals
Jake Kennedy, Republican Club of Boston
Hugo Softdonut, Gay & Lesbian & Transgender Bicycling Association of San Francisco
Imam Abskaba Dynamite, American Islamic Alliance for (wink, wink) Peace
Meg Hamlesh, West Palm Beach Residents for Fairness in Early Bird Specials
Unknown Agent from The Apathy Society of Somewhere
Rangdangga Duckpoo, Airport Security Screeners of This Here Country

To view the monument you can go to the nearby Visitor’s Center a short 15 miles away in the next county. By placing the Visitor’s Center in the next county fewer folks would drive on the roads of the town where the monument is and not keep people up all night. At the Visitor’s Center you may view a live video feed of the monument which is working many days each month. Also at the Visitor’s Center there is a Gift Shop which sells a postcard, by walking through the front door of the shop you silently agree to purchase the souvenir.

There is one bathroom with ten toilets in an arch. Everyone must do their business at the same time.

When visiting, please refrain from talking above a whisper so as to not wake up the tour guides. Also, because of 9/11, fireworks, guns, knives, stick pins, sharpened pencils, belt buckles, laser pointers, book markers containing magnets, ventriloquist dummies which are vaguely reminiscent of bands from the disco era, canes to assist the blind, wheelchairs with spokes, lawnmowers, American flags, beaver pelts, peanut butter, and Styrofoam snowmen are not allowed within 50 feet of the monument and Visitor’s Center. Programs describing the monument are available in English and Urdu.

The Moderates Monument is located in a state. We won’t say which one so as to not upset the other 49 but here’s a hint, “in this state people frequently complain about the weather.”