As we near the Christmas season now is the time to be vigilant for an enormous, furry ogre lurking in this country called "Story Bear."
For those of you who have seen or even worse heard of Story Bear you know the full extent of its demonic power. For the uninitiated, Story Bear is an 18 foot tall Teddy bear with either beige or white synthetic fur. Like most bears, a Santa's cap rests between his twitching ears and his chromium blue eyes follow you around the food court as if you are trapped in an alternative universe of classical literature where there has been a cross between Dickens and Orwell. And then it speaks. Just imagine the most blaring, irritating, off key, tenor singing of otherwise pleasant yuletide carols. Now amplify it with a dozen speakers and bingo, you have the sound of the killer Kodiak.
I first experienced Story Bear at Rivergate Mall in Nashville, Tennessee in 1991. It was a chilly November morning in the Music City, retirees were strolling past the Cheese Barn, and good hearted, tattooed men with criminal records were emptying the trash, all seemed serene until I heard a most pathetic sound. My ears burned as they focused on a shrill utterance emanating from the entrance to JC Penny's which I first reasoned to be a dying cow. Much to my disappointment it was not the lasts gasps of a Jersey, it was Story Bear.
"Hello, I'm Story Bear. Merry Christmas. Would you like to hear a story? One time I saw... Santa Claus. [begins singing] "Up on the roof top reindeer paws, down comes good old Santy Claus." The song continues at an amazingly slow pace until the last verse.
"Can I be your friend? I like having friends. I like Christmas. [begins singing] "Feliz Navidad, Feliz Navidad, Feliz Navidad, Prospero ano y Felicidad." This is no doubt an attempt to make sure everyone, no matter what their ethnic heritage can fully participate in the nightmare.
"I once knew a reindeer and he could fly and he had a big, red nose. Do you know what his name was?...... It was Rudolph! [begins singing] "Rudolph the red nosed reindeer..." At this point the toddlers are perfectly motionless; hypnotized by the beast's soulless eyes with their wildly out of sync blinking.
As the torture continues one notices how the programmers never bothered to make the robot's mouth move in time with the stories and songs. Instead during the blessed pauses the mouth continues moving up and down, up and down, up and down. During these breaks in the action an inventive ragamuffin could break in to the back of the contraption and replace his standard dialogue with an Al Sharpton speech which would be slightly less annoying and, likely, more conducive to the spirit of the yuletide season.
After an excruciating rendition "Twelve Days of Christmas", complete with a Barney Fife-esque over extended B-flat on "5 golden ring.......s"