Chapter Twenty-Nine: Dreaming
By Jason Goldtrap
Sarah's nap was interrupted by a furry lump wrapped around her throat. She carefully picked up the kitten, it was Charity.
As the wee kitten with black fur slowly rose into view, she stayed asleep.
Her little mouth was slightly agape and chattering. Was she dreaming about nursing?
Sarah didn’t know but she was in nirvana. Sarah looked to her right; it was two in the afternoon.
She whispered to Charity,
“I suppose I should get out of bed.”
Charity awoke. She yawned and stretched. As she opened her eyes she realized that the human had moved her, she was no longer stretched across Sarah’s throat. What an outrage! She squirmed wanting to be let down.
Sarah gently placed Charity next to her face.
The kitten licked her right cheek twice to say, ‘Thank you’ and promptly returned to her previous position.
Sarah moved her once again.
The kitten was confused. Its meows of complaint woke up Sarafina who had been asleep on Sarah’s left side. Her ears twitched to find Charity. The kitten crawled across Sarah to her mother. Sarafina licked Charity’s head and face and then looked to Sarah. Sarafina stood up and stretched and then meowed quite loudly. This woke up Faith, who was straddling Sarah’s right ankle, and Hope who had rolled Sarah’s blonde hair into an afghan.
Faith stretched and went over to her mother who sniffed her tail and licked her face. Sarah could feel Hope attempting to untangle herself from the wads of hair. The more she struggled, the deeper she got.
Sarah was tickled,
“Just a second. Just a second.”
Sarafina watched closely. She was concerned but she retained trust in her human.
“Ok, and there.”
She placed Hope in front of Sarafina who gave her some attention. Sarah began to slowly exit the bed.
Charity put out her paw, and meowed for Sarah to stay.
Sarafina told her to let the giant leave in peace, nap time was over.
Sarah yawned and moved her clothes from off of the dresser. Most of her other things must have been taken by her mother. She walked down the hall way to look out the back window to the lawn. Mother was putting a slip on the clothes line. A Western Meadowlark began to call from a ponderosa pine which held a couple of Bitterroots near its trunk.
Sarafina jumped in the window, the bird would make a good meal, however; it was quite a long climb up the tree. She didn’t want to leave the kittens alone for such a long time. Sarah began to open the window to greet her mother, but she was distracted by the clip clops of a horse and carriage approaching the house. She walked to the hallway window which looked out over the lawn. It was her father and he had a bouquet of flowers on the passenger side of the cushioned bench.
Sarah thought,
“He has purple tulips. Those are not my favorite but it is still sweet.”
She ran to the other window to tell her mother who had already left leaving a damp blouse hanging by one clothes pin. Sarah rushed to the other window. Her mother ran up to her father and kissed him. Her father got down from the carriage and handed her the flowers. She sniffed them with great delight. The tulips weren’t for Sarah they were for her mother.
They hugged and kissed again.
As they walked into the entry way of the house she could hear her father say,
“…so I thought I’d surprise you. Is she back?”
“Yes.”
“Sarah?”
Paula stopped his yell.
“I think she's still asleep.”
“Ok.”
Sarah could hear them walking into the kitchen. She went back to her bedroom and gingerly stepped across the floor. There was a vent near the front window; she opened it to listen in.
She could hear her mother getting plates from the cabinet.
“She came home about 11 this morning. When I went to the depot, Jean was already there. We sat on a pew on the platform and talked about the kids. I thanked her for a book she had given me, A Guide to Raising Wise Women by Alethea Adams.”
Sarah’s father said,
“Hmm.”
“She asked about Martin and if he was enjoying his new job. She asked about Robert, I said he was busy with work and the new baby. -Oh, oh, oh, speaking of which…”
Paula scooted a chair and sat next to her husband at the kitchen table. “Jean is going to have another one!”
Michael said,
“What?”
Sarah gasped.
“Emily, is going to have a little sister or brother.”
“You have got to be joking. How old is she?”
“Relatively near my age; which is not that old.”
“That is not what I meant; its just surprising the thing life throws your way. We just had our first grandson in April. Will became a grandfather last January and now he is going to be a father again? It’s a little crazy!”
They were laughing. Her mother said,
“I don’t see how it’s possible.”
Sarah heard a kiss. “I think it begins this way.”
“Oh, really, sir, you make me flush.”
They kissed again.
Sarah got really uncomfortable. She thought,
“I didn’t know old people could be romantic. What’s that smell? The beans!”
Her mother noticed the same smell but was too distracted by the affection.
“The beans! The beans! Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! You’d think that I know to use an oven mitten.”
“Paula, don’t be in such a rush.”
Sarah could hear pots being moved around on the stove.
Michael said,
“Here we go, no harm done.”
“Thank Heavens; I hope that didn’t wake up Sarah. She seemed upset.”
“Upset? Why?”
“I have no idea, she didn’t say a word.”
“Was Emily agitated?”
“She was beaming, but Sarah sulked. As we got their luggage and walked out of the station, I overheard Emily tell Jean that she had a lot of fun. She made friends. She even met a boy.”
Michael smiled.
“Oh, I get it. Maybe Emily and Sarah liked the same boy or something.”
Paula cocked her head.
“I don’t know, maybe. Boys have a way of bringing out the worst in girls, especially at that age, but, they didn’t appear to be mad at each other.”
Sarah did not know what to do, part of her wanted to go downstairs and see her father. A larger part enjoyed the spying.
Sarah’s father asked,
“Maybe she did poorly at the rhetoric competition?”
She could hear him pouring a glass of lemonade.
Paula guffawed,
“Doubtful. Had she done poorly my guess is Sarah would not have be on the train; she would’ve run across the state, got back home and cried, ‘The world is unfair!’”
Michael chuckled,
“That sounds about right.”
Sarah gasped. She was disappointed in herself.
Michael continued.
“Well, I doubt if she did poorly. However, she is so competitive, so achievement oriented that she sets herself up to impossible standards some times.”
Paula nodded.
“I know. Awhile back the church was having a Bible quiz among the young people. There was no prize involved, no recognition. Anyway, Lynn Watson answered all twenty questions correctly. Emily answered eighteen and she was thrilled. When the bell rang, Sarah jumped out of her seat and flew out the door. I was in the lobby talking to some ladies; she came up to me with tears in her eyes. I excused myself’ and we walked out the side entrance. She leaned against the outside wall of the church building crying like her best friend had died. I patted her back and said, ‘Sweetheart, what’s wrong?’
She continued sobbing uncontrollably. ‘Nothing.’
‘Did you and Em have a fight?’
She squeaked, ‘No.’
‘Is it Kevin?’
She said, ‘No.'"
Paula sighed.
“Sarah hardly says anything to me any more. I tell her to do her chores, her homework, all that and she obeys me, well, she does most of the time. Anyway, we don’t really talk. She only confides in Emily.”
“Why?”
“I don’t know. Maybe it’s because we’re so much a like.”
Sarah swallowed a laugh.
“‘Maybe it’s because we are so much a like?’ That’s insane!”
Sarah respected her mother, but she felt closer to Emily.
Paula took a sip of lemonade.
“For whatever the reason, she talks to Emily about everything. But, she leaves me out in the cold. I’d be willing to listen to her. Heaven knows, I’d like to have someone listen to me.”
Sarah cringed when she heard her mother saw that.
Paula continued,
“When I took the wagon down to the station this morning and I saw Jean; I was so excited, she understands me. She's always willing to listen, but we don’t see each other that much. I am always doing housework, often the chores that Sarah said she was going to do.
Most of the time, I don’t get to talk to anyone. You’re always at the bank, and believe me, I’m glad you’re there, but, it demands so much of your time.”
“I know, I know. I had to practically pull teeth just to go home for lunch and I am the manager of the blasted thing.”
“Michael, it hurts. Sarah doesn’t talk to me and that hurts.”
Sarah looked down to the left. She never intended to hurt her mother. Her mother was an upstanding Christian woman. She was amicable, charitable, a friend to strangers. How could she and Sarah not get along?
Michael spoke softly,
“I didn’t know you felt that way.”
“Well, I should’ve mentioned it earlier but you’re so wrapped up in the bank. I didn’t want to bother you.”
“Paula? Sweetheart? I’m here for you; you’re a part of me. I said ‘for better or for worse’ in front of that preacher. What was his name? He smelled like a goat?”
She giggled.
“Don’t you remember his name?”
Michael said,
“Naaay.”
Paula laughed.
“Morgenstern.”
“Oh yeah. I don’t remember half the details of that day. I was too busy thinking about that night. I was under the spell of a masterful seductress from Billings. I had to have that angel all to myself.”
Kiss. Kiss. Kiss.
“Um, sweetheart, hubby dear, Sarah is upstairs.”
“Sarah who?”
“Your daughter!”
“Oh, of course”
“Finish your lima beans.”
Michael took a bite.
“Hmm, they are good.”
Paula asked,
“Where was I?”
“Lynn Watson.”
“She had the audacity to answer twenty questions correctly, one more than Sarah. Lynn won and simply because of that Sarah hated her.”
Sarah thought.
“I don’t hate Lynn Watson. I just don’t like the way she has to flaunt her knowledge around and… wait a second, she doesn’t do that at all.”
Michael was confused.
“But, that doesn’t make any sense!”
“It’s perfectly logical to a sixteen-year-old girl.”
“I don’t understand resentment, jealousy, all that nonsense. When I was a boy and I’d get in a fight with another lad, well, we might beat the daylights out of each other, but twenty minutes later we’d be best friends.”
“Girls are a mystery. I used to be one long ago.”
“Well, you still look like you are sixteen.”
“You sir,”
Paula said coyly,
“are an outrageous flirt.”
Kiss. Kiss. Kiss.
Michael mumbled,
“Um… Sarah?”
“Sarah who? Oh, Michael, tame yourself.”
They laughed.
He chuckled,
“I recall you said something similar before we met preacher Morgenstern.”
“Ahh! You! Look, that was along time ago and we were younger and more, well, more like those steaming beans.”
Sarah thought:
“Oh brother. What’s with these two? I wonder if my mother had the same kind of struggles.”
Paula sighed.
“Lynn Watson answered all the questions correctly. Sarah hated a girl she’d just met an hour earlier, for no reason. It was the most frustrating thing I had ever experienced. Part of me wanted to dry her tears; part of me wanted to slap her!”
Sarah gasped.
“I was ashamed of Sarah. I was livid. She walked up there in front of my friends acting all distraught and for what? Jealousy. A simple case of infection by the green eyed monster. I didn’t know what to do. I just listened to her prattle on about how the teacher had asked a trick question and how it was unfair that Emily had liked Lynn.”
Sarah was ashamed. Emily liked Lynn. She would have invited Lynn to sit with them upstairs. Instead, Emily had to pretend to not care for Lynn at all. Why? What did she do to deserve such foul treatment?
Sarah’s shame turned to empathy to Lynn.
“Lynn never joins us at school when we talk outside. It’s as though the other girls snub her because of my influence. I hate that. Wait, I enjoy that power.”
Sarah felt ashamed.
She paused and then thought some more.
“When Simon was kissing me, I enjoyed the power I had over him. I wanted him to be an animal, not a man. It is playing with fire.”
She returned to listening to her parent's conversation.
Paula sighed.
“The thing that bothers me the most is Sarah’s self contradiction. It’s hard to love when you are capable of that much hate. She is a passionate woman. But if she doesn’t tame her passions, well, who knows what she’d do. The only person she talks to is Emily.”
Sarah thought,
“What’s wrong with Emily?”
Michael asked,
“What’s wrong with Emily?”
“Nothing per se. But, they’re the same age and they’re both boy crazy.”
Michael shrugged.
“Emily appears to be a girl with morals.”
“That’s not what I meant. Listen, in the heat of passion, when a girl is melting in a man’s arms, she can do anything, if she feels like she won’t get caught.”
Michael trilled his lips.
“I get the picture.”
“Sarah listens to Emily, not me. If I told her that her experience with some boy was just a feeling, I’m not sure she’d believe me. However, if Emily told her that same boy was her true love she’d believe her. If Emily said, ‘Go ahead and give yourself to him, it's the only way to snare a man.’”
Michael was concerned.
“You think she might do it?”
Paula cocked her head.
“I’m afraid that’s a possibility. Sarah’s a wonderful young lady. She has the body of a woman, but, she’s a little girl inside. I can’t make her into a woman. I can train her to be a lady, but, if a smooth talking young man comes around and treats her body like a Christmas present, well, I have no way of stopping her."
Michael swished his mouth.
“Sarah is a child, that’s true; however, I’m sure she wouldn’t go out with a bad boy.”
“It’s not the bad boys I worry about; it’s the good ones.”
“What do you mean?”
asked Michael.
“The boys with good reputations, ones who are popular or rich; they’re the most dangerous. Their forbidden fruit is so tempting. Helping them break their commitments is incredibly attractive to some women for whom power is an aphrodisiac.”
Michael said,
“I know. I know. I went out with a couple of girls like that. The eighteen-year-year old boy in me loved it. The man in me was disgusted. One thing is for sure, as much as I enjoyed the smooching, I sure didn’t want to marry them. Their whole intention is to wrap you around their finger and make you perform. They don’t really care for you.”
Sarah thought to herself,
“That’s not me. But in the train depot back in Helena that sure looked like me. Oh, Simon, Simon, Simon. Oh, I want you to kiss me, touch me, hold me. But, almost any man could do that. Why does it have to be Simon? If I went up to any young man and flirted with him; he’d be willing….”
Sarah closed her eyes.
“Any man would do fine, in that department. They all want the same prize with no strings attached. I want them to feel my skin. I want their affections. One night, Simon, please, just one night.”
Sarah could hear her father scrape the pewter plate with his fork.
“Delicious Paula. And the lunch wasn’t so bad either.”
“Sssh; Michael, she’ll hear you.”
“Oh, sorry. I’ll walk softly out the door. About what you said earlier, how you had no one to talk to because you are so busy during the day I wish there was something I could do. Maybe I should talk to Sarah.”
“No. No. She has to figure it out on her own. She has to figure out boys on her own. Friendship, competition, all of that, she has to figure it all out on her own. You can talk to her, but it would likely go in one ear and out the other. We can talk to her, but we are her parents. The conversation, the convincing must come from within. She is at an age where all she can see is the next moment. Each emotion is either elating or devastating, there are few in betweens. She must find a way to channel that passion in to thinking of something greater than herself otherwise she will be miserable.”
Sarah thought,
“That was Audrey’s problem.”
Paula continued,
“Remember when we met? You were going out with Amanda?”
“Ugh! Don’t remind me. I couldn't stand her.”
“Then why did you date her?”
“Well, she was my boss’s daughter. I had known her for a year. She showed me lots of attention. She thought I was handsome. She was very wealthy. She was, under the right circumstances, pliable. I thought I could get away with… much.”
Sarah was confused. It almost sounded like Simon was having that conversation. Simon had even said that he wanted to do more in the train depot but he stopped himself. Maybe Sarah would have stopped herself too but not before a great deal more had happened. She wanted him, above everything else, she wanted him.
“Oh Simon, if only we had been in a more secluded area, like your dorm room… but, maybe that’s why he didn’t take me to his dorm room. He was right. I hardly knew Simon at all. It was all such a wonderful dream, but as Simon pointed out, it was no dream. It was real life. How did he get so wise?”
Paul continued,
“So why did you not continue to date her?”
“I did not care for her, not in the least. As a matter of fact, I did not care for myself when I was around her. You, on the other hand, with your nails stained blue from the dish soap, were far more appealing. I was smitten not by your beauty but by your character, your kindness, your patience even in the light of her mistreatment. You knew what was important- other peoples’ happiness and you did your best to help them achieve it by the simple act of wanting to be a good waitress. If you wanted to do your best, to seek out the goodness in others, as a waitress then I would be thrilled to have you as my wife. Knowing this it was an easy decision to break up with her because I was madly in love with your heart.”
Kiss. Kiss. Kiss.
Sarah was in tears. Paula was in tears.
“That is the reason I broke up with the old mule.”
“Yes. I am glad you did. Now imagine if you had a best friend, your age with whom you shared all your secrets. Would you make the same decision?”
“Well, let me think, men don’t talk about these things like women do.”
Paula was a little irritated.
“So I’ve noticed.”
“Just a second. Let me noodle it awhile. Ok, a best friend would say, 'Marry her. Definitely marry her.' Point one: she’s rich. Point two: she can’t be too ugly if you can kiss her.”
He wore a smile, remembering that Amanda was a good kisser.
“Ahem.”
“Hey, you asked. Ok. Point three: she isn’t so bad most of the time. Wealthy, affectionate, somewhat tolerable: on paper Amanda’s a good wife. However, as a banker, I know the difference between what the books say and what my gut says. I always go with my gut. I had my doubts about Amanda even before I walked in to the Bluebird Restaurant. She had ugliness deep inside.”
Paula sighed.
“Well, we all have our faults.”
“That’s not what I meant. She was entirely comfortable with that ugliness. She felt no need to change, to mature, that is why she treated you so poorly, she had no reason to not do it. We all have our demons, but if you’re comfortable with them, if you don’t care when you have wronged someone, then you are a most pitiful person. I can understand your fear for Sarah in regards to Emily now.
Emily’s a young woman. She might be inclined to support Sarah’s bad side rather than challenge it. We’re adults; we can see the long road. But if all you talk to is someone who is exactly like yourself, then you’ll only receive nearsighted advice. No matter how well intentioned, no matter how reasonable it seems at the time, that can be fatal. I’d be willing to bet that Will and Jean have had the same conversation about Sarah.”
Sarah thought,
“Is that the reason why Emily wants to go to Rocky Mountain College instead of Jennings?”
“Well, anyway, I trust Sarah to do the right thing always. Even when she makes mistakes, I trust her enough to know better next time. I’m so proud of my little girl. She is one of two young women I know who make my heart beat.”
Paula smiled.
“And the other is boney face?”
Michael laughed.
“No! She makes my heart go, kerplunk! The other young lady is named Paula.”
Kiss. Kiss.
“I really need to go back to the bank. Trust yourself. Trust Sarah. Trust God more.”
Paula was reassured.
“I’ll see you tonight. There’s roast beef for dinner.”
“Mmmmm. I can hardly wait.”
Kiss. Kiss. Kiss.
Paula retuned to the kitchen and began putting the dishes in the sink.
Sarah thought,
“I need to do a lot of thinking about myself. No wait. I need to do less.”
Sarah walked down stairs to the kitchen and tapped on her mother’s shoulder.
“Can I clean up the kitchen?”
Paula turned around from the sink.
“What? Really?”
“Please?”
“Of course. I need to finish putting the damp clothes on the line.”
“Those are beautiful flowers on the table. Where’d you get them?”
“From a secret admirer! He rode up on a magnificent steed, arrayed in armor. He said, ‘These are for you! I slew a dragon to acquire these delicate beauties. For you are the fairest in all of Camelot!’”
Sarah chuckled at her mother’s antics.
“Or, maybe your father got them for me? I can’t remember which story is correct. Anyway, thank you for the help with the dishes.”
“After that, could I do a couple of more things around the house? It is such a pretty day, you might enjoy a walk downtown, maybe to the bakery to see Emily’s mother.”
Paula was floored.
“I would enjoy that very much.”
Sarah hugged her.
“Thank you, mother.”
“For what?”
“For having faith in me, and providing everything I will need to be a woman.”
Paula had a tear in her eye.
“You’re welcomed, Sarah, you’re welcomed.”
