Chapter Three: Confidence

Monday June 20, 1910

Paula was in the kitchen stirring a corn stew when Sarah rode up on a bicycle. Paula raised an eyebrow.

Sarah parked the bike next to the steps of the front porch. Sarah waved at her. Paula smiled.

Sarah walked in and went straight to the kitchen. She hugged her mother. "I love you so much."

Paula turned around and chuckled and rejoiced in the embrace.

"What brought about that?," as she straightened hair off of Sarah's face.

Sarah opened her mouth but paused. "I..." she turned away and wiped away a tear.

"Sarah? Let's sit down."

Sarah sat down, Paula turned down the fire on the stove.

Sarah rubbed her chin. "Deciphering a good day is like looking square into the face of a miracle. You can analyze it or you can simply stand in awe and revel in the breeze of good fortunes. Does that make any sense?"

Paula tilted her head. "In other words, you fell in love?"

Sarah tilted her head. "I'm falling in love with myself. I dunno. Does that make any sense?"

"One of the few things I have learned in my forty something years on Earth is sometimes, things are so beautiful and ordered that they defy expectation or explanation. It is best to just look beyond the message and tune into the heart of the messenger; to hold the communication in the palm of your hand, like a radiant jewel and simply smile."

Sarah shook her head. "If I can grow to have just a fraction of your wisdom...."

Paula interrupted her, "You've already surpassed me, Sarah."

Sarah sighed. "No I haven't."

Paula tapped Sarah's hand. "Sweetheart, tell me about your day. Did you go see Lynn?"

"Yes."

"And... it didn't go well?"

Sarah shrugged. "It went flawlessly. As a matter of fact, she let me borrow that bike so I can ride over tomorrow."

Paula asked, "Then what is amiss?"

Sarah trilled her lips. "I can't explain it, exactly. Let me just tell you the whole story."

Paula smiled. "I'm listening."

"I went over about ten."

Sarah wore a fond smile; "There was a kitten scampering on to the lawn, snapping at butterflies."

"Her name is Prissy. Peggy Watson wanted a cat for Lynn. They liked the way that Charity was so affectionate towards them. They took her home and named her Prissy."

Sarah hemmed and hawed. "Prissy seems happy."

Paula nodded. "As is Sarafina. She's had kittens before; part of her knew that they would not be around forever. Little ones become big ones- they find homes of their own."

Sarah sighed. "I wish I had her confidence."

Paula said, "Do explain."

Sarah slowly shook her head. "I don't what I'm going to do, mother. I am so in love with Simon."

"But he's not in love with you. Sarah, I'm sorry to be so blunt but you're going to have to face that fact."

Sarah opined, "I know."

Paula whispered, "Right now, everything seems muddled, doesn't it?"

Sarah squeaked, "Yeah."

Paul lifted up her chin, "In the mire and muck of a muddy swamp, it is impossible to notice the tiny lotus seed. It struggles and pushes its way to the top. When it reaches the surface it blooms bursting into a dazzling array of white. Out of the refuse the delicate flower emerges and by its beauty the land is blessed."

Sarah smiled.

"And you, my child, must live like a lotus."

"That's not going to be easy."

"Compared to what? Sarah, your father and I have raised you to steer clear of the easy path. Keep in mind that you are a child of the Living God amassed in a vessel of clay. You are the sum of your choices and you reap that which you sow. Grasping that formula can devastate most mortals, however, I am convinced that you, my daughter, can face your fears and potential consequences and build upon them."

Sarah feigned a smile. "I dunno if I can."

"I know you can. I'm your mother; you'd better listen to me and ignore those doubts swimming in your pretty little head."

Sarah took a moment to consider her admonitions. "What's my mission?"

"That's for God to decide. He'll provide a path for you just like He's always done. You just have to trust His will and be receptive to His timing."

Sarah tilted her head. "Maybe God's already given me a mission; I met a boy today, and I don't mean a boy as in a handsome young man, but, a boy as in a kid, named Jake. He's thirteen, just moved into town and, well, madly in love with me. So, maybe by helping Jake, I can help myself."

Paula smiled. "Perhaps"

Sarah spoke wistfully, "I wish I had been around when you were my age. Life was simpler back then."

Paula cackled, "What?"

"Things are tough nowadays, confused. When you were sixteen, the world was more-or-less perfect."

Paula tried to keep a straight face. "Sarah, believe me, things were far from perfect and dealing with boys had exactly the same pitfalls and heartaches and triumphs. Nothing's changed in that arena, ever. Women have always been frustrated by men as men have always been frustrated by women."

Sarah was not convinced.

Paula sighed. "This is about Simon, right?"

Sarah sniffed, "Yeah."

"Dearest, I'm sorry you're hurt. I really, really am and I don't have some magic elixir that make that pain subside, and if I did have a bottle I sure wouldn't give you dose because that would not serve you in the long run.

You loved Kevin. He's dead.

You loved Simon. He's not interested in you."

Sarah growled, "But he should be!"

"Says who, Sarah, says who? When did he sign a contract that states he is required to be your boyfriend? Just looking at his picture I can tell that he is quite charming and striking; thus it's reasonable to assume that other girls have fallen for him. Can't you imagine that they're sharing your heartache?"

Sarah wasn't convinced

"Young lady, you've got a whole life ahead of you that will be filled to the brim with disappointments and you'd better learn that today does not have to equal tomorrow. The pain you feel is a messenger from your soul which says. 'Something is askew.' You must listen to that pain. See beyond the players- Sarah and Simon- and connect to the root of the issue; your perpetual insecurity which you wrongly believe can only be satiated by a man.

Men are… well, men. They are human beings who face similar fears and heartaches. God, in His infinite wisdom, designed them to experience those emotions on a shallower level. They make-up for these deficits by achieving certain goals be they positive or negative objectives. Men define themselves by their achievements as surely as women define themselves by the quality of their relationships. That doesn't make them superficial it makes them different from you and me, and thank God for that difference because I wouldn't want to live in a world run by women. Little would ever be accomplished because we'd be consumed with sitting around discussing our feelings instead of doing anything. Mere survival would be a consummate challenge.

Conversely, I wouldn't want to live in a world run by men because they'd probably spend most of the time fighting each other. It would be a world with little in the way of art, philosophy or music. It would be self-destructive, pointlessly aggressive and nihilistic. It would be void of much in the way of compassion and decency. Brutality would rule the day as man's base, animal instincts are celebrated rather than tamed by a woman's touch.

I say all this because I want you to embrace the idea that you're simply not meant to embrace Simon Hastings. No matter how much you cry; no matter how long you analyze and jabber with Emily you will not change him. There is only one way you might possibly change him and Heaven forbid you degrade yourself to that level and bring shame to your family."

Paula raised an eyebrow. "Do you understand what I'm implying?"

Sarah nodded. "Yes ma'am."

"That is a stark temptation for girls your age. You look in the mirror at the delicate curves with which God's blessed you and you convince yourself that you can trick a boy into loving you, and, unfortunately, that's partially true. For a time, a boy will say those three magic words but eventually, if he's worth his salt, he'll come to despise you for compromising his character and using him as a tool. You might be tempted to take that risk anyway thinking that you can out smart yourself and secure the promise of marriage bed but if you're lucky, that scheme will fail because there is nothing more tragic in this world than a loveless marriage or an indifferent father."

Sarah shook her head. "I haven't been tempted to...."

"Because Simon's four hundred miles from here. If he lived on Main Street in Eagle Creek, Montana...."

Sarah rolled her eyes. She'd been cut to the quick.

Paula snickered, "You're not the first girl to be sixteen-years-old, honey." She held Sarah's hand. "I know you're tempted. I know temptation. But more than that, I know you. I could not imagine you as a manipulator."

Sarah's face fell.

Paula spoke softly, "I don't know the details but I do know you considered it. Additionally, I know nothing happened."

Sarah said, "Simon was/is a man of integrity."

"I would not expect you to share your affections with anyone who was less than a man of integrity because you are at the core a woman of virtue. No matter what dumb mistakes and misjudgments and harsh words you spew on your way down the road I will retain my faith in you because you are a daughter of the King of Kings. You are a girl raised to know better. You will sacrifice fun, frivolity, easy answers, lowered standards and loose libations to retain your higher self."

Sarah whispered, "How do you know that?"

"How do you know the sun come out after it rains? I have faith in you. Even when you make mistakes you find a way to correct them. That's character. Someday you will raise a daughter of your own. You'll say the same late night prayers and you will be astounded and immensely proud of the result when you see a little girl walk out the door and the very same day you see a woman walk in your kitchen and say 'maybe by helping Jake, I can help myself.'"

Sarah gave half of a smile. "I did say that, didn't I?"

Paula nodded. "You did. Remember the parable of the sower. Good seed or good ground will always produce a hundredfold even when you can see naught but the tiniest of green shoots."

Sarah beamed. They hugged.

The women shared a moment of quiet. Soon they heard Michael whistling and walking towards the house. They both got up from the table and headed for the front door.

"Where can I ever find a man like my father?

"You can't. He's an original, my dear; you'll have to make your own."

Michael stepped up on the porch. "Afternoon, love of my life."

Paula replied with a kiss. "Afternoon, man of my dreams."

Sarah looked at the happy couple and thanked God for their influence.